Friday, August 24, 2007
ON 2ND THOT
LASSITER KINDA BLOWS. FRANKK FROM MURPHY BROWN IS IN IT> HE MAKES ME SOFT LIKE THE BELLY OF A MAN WHO DRINK S TOO MUCH BEER. SELLECK DOESNT SHAVE ENOUGFH IN IT BOO!
Friday, August 10, 2007
In search of a copy of Anus Magillicuty
To whomever may be reading this:
I am in desperate need of help. Last night I came close to having one of the best experiences of my life. What seemed like a run of the mill evening at a semi-local dive bar, turned into the sort of adventure a chikadee like myself seldom has. After saddling up to the bar, I heard a deep male voice asking me if I'd be interested in a Hawaiian mudslide, on him of course. I turned around expecting to have to reject another sleazy come on from some barfly loser, but was shocked when I saw that it was none other than Tom Selleck! I have been fantasizing about this man since I was home sick with the chicken pox at age seven, and watched countless Magnum PI reruns. Obviously, Tom had aged a bit since those days, but he was still the magnificent stud with a mustache that glistened like Danny Zucco's hair.
After I regained my composure, the Magnum and I launched into an extensive conversation that resulted in me transforming into a different and better person. Crevices of my mind that I didn't know existed were blown wide opened that night. He was like a carpet weaver, creating the tapestry of my deepest imaginings. Forever changed, I initiated a passionate kiss. His mustache tasted like Tapatio.
Naturally, the only logical decision at that point was to spend the night together. He insisted we go to my place in order to avoid paparazzi. Normally I would be ashamed about my humble surroundings, but with Tom I felt an infinite sense of trust and security. Before diving into acts of vigorous passion, we sat down on my futon to continue our deep and meaningful conversation. Things were going splendidly. He said to me "Dakota, I feel like you and I can tell eachother anything. You are a very special woman."
"And you are a very special man," I said. "This night has been an absolute dream."
And then he leaned in very close, to emphasize the importance of what he was about to say. He stroked my prosthetic leg, and his face softened.
"Dakota, I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to give me an honest response. Have you ever seen the film I was in called Anus Magillicutty?"
I was nervous, but I felt no sense of doom or danger.
"No," I whispered with passion. "No I have not."
Suddenly his face hardened and his manhood softened. His eyes looked as though they had been wounded.
"Well, I suggest you see it," he said. The words clumsily fell out of his mouth.
"Goodbye Dakota. Maybe one day things will change."
Before I could even protest, he was out the door. I was paralyzed by grief. After I was at last able to peel my eyes off the door, I spent the night consoling myself by masturbating to episodes of S Club 7.
When the sun came up, I became a woman with a mission. It is crucial for me to find a copy of Anus Magillicutty. It is the only way I can make the Magnum see that my love is real. If anyone out there has one to spare, I will give you my prosthetic leg.
Please
This is urgent
Love,
Dakota Moss
I am in desperate need of help. Last night I came close to having one of the best experiences of my life. What seemed like a run of the mill evening at a semi-local dive bar, turned into the sort of adventure a chikadee like myself seldom has. After saddling up to the bar, I heard a deep male voice asking me if I'd be interested in a Hawaiian mudslide, on him of course. I turned around expecting to have to reject another sleazy come on from some barfly loser, but was shocked when I saw that it was none other than Tom Selleck! I have been fantasizing about this man since I was home sick with the chicken pox at age seven, and watched countless Magnum PI reruns. Obviously, Tom had aged a bit since those days, but he was still the magnificent stud with a mustache that glistened like Danny Zucco's hair.
After I regained my composure, the Magnum and I launched into an extensive conversation that resulted in me transforming into a different and better person. Crevices of my mind that I didn't know existed were blown wide opened that night. He was like a carpet weaver, creating the tapestry of my deepest imaginings. Forever changed, I initiated a passionate kiss. His mustache tasted like Tapatio.
Naturally, the only logical decision at that point was to spend the night together. He insisted we go to my place in order to avoid paparazzi. Normally I would be ashamed about my humble surroundings, but with Tom I felt an infinite sense of trust and security. Before diving into acts of vigorous passion, we sat down on my futon to continue our deep and meaningful conversation. Things were going splendidly. He said to me "Dakota, I feel like you and I can tell eachother anything. You are a very special woman."
"And you are a very special man," I said. "This night has been an absolute dream."
And then he leaned in very close, to emphasize the importance of what he was about to say. He stroked my prosthetic leg, and his face softened.
"Dakota, I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to give me an honest response. Have you ever seen the film I was in called Anus Magillicutty?"
I was nervous, but I felt no sense of doom or danger.
"No," I whispered with passion. "No I have not."
Suddenly his face hardened and his manhood softened. His eyes looked as though they had been wounded.
"Well, I suggest you see it," he said. The words clumsily fell out of his mouth.
"Goodbye Dakota. Maybe one day things will change."
Before I could even protest, he was out the door. I was paralyzed by grief. After I was at last able to peel my eyes off the door, I spent the night consoling myself by masturbating to episodes of S Club 7.
When the sun came up, I became a woman with a mission. It is crucial for me to find a copy of Anus Magillicutty. It is the only way I can make the Magnum see that my love is real. If anyone out there has one to spare, I will give you my prosthetic leg.
Please
This is urgent
Love,
Dakota Moss
Monday, August 6, 2007
New Edition for Consideration
After I watch this video i will let you know if we can post stories about fucking tom selleck related to this movie, my early guess is yes, so if you have anything please submit and we will post it after the tissue dust has coagulated.
Monday, July 23, 2007
TORN INNARDS
THE FIRST TIME I MET MAGNUM PI, I WAS IN HAWAII FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WAS DRUNK A LOT BACK THEN AND NOT PARTICULARLY PICKY ABOUT ITEMS. ANYWAY, I WAS AT SOME BAR DRINKING SOME TROPICAL LIQUID AND I SEE THIS DUDE. LIKE I DONT NORMALLY LIKE GUYS OR ANYTHING AND AM HAPPILY MARRIED WITH A DOG AND A PRIUS BUT THIS GUY WAS THE PERFECT MAN. HE HAD A MUSTACHE. HE CAME UP TO ME AND WINKED AND SLID A CARD UNDER MY DRINK. I LOOKED AT IT AND IT SAID MAGNUM PI, SEX MACHINE AND PRIVATE DICK. HE THEN SAID EITHER THEY DONT CALL ME MAGNUM FOR NOTHING OR SOMETHING ABOUT SEEING HIS DICK IN PRIVATE. EITHER WAY I WAS SMITTEN. HE WAS GONE IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE AND ALL THAT REMAINED WAS CACKLING LAUGHTER AND I REALIZED I WAS NOT IN A BAR AFTER ALL BUT SOME KIND OF TORTURE DUNGEON. mAGNUM WAS THERE AND HE LAUGHED AT ME WHILE STROKING HIS MUSTACHES. I WAS SCARED. BUT ALSO INTRIGUED. THEN HE GRABBED A WHIP. AND WITH THIS WHIP HE WHIPPED ME. I SCREAMED. HE MADE SOME WITTY ONE LINER THAT I FORGOT BECAUSE IT HURT SO MUCH BUT I THINK IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME BEING MUSTACHE WHIPPED AS OPPOSED TO SOMEOTHER ALTERNATIVE. THE TV WAS SHOWING HANNAH MONTANA. THEN I WOKE UP AND FOUND I WAS BACK AT THE BAR. MAGNUM WAS NOT THERE. THE CARD WAS NOT THERE. I WONDERED IF IT HAD ALL BEEN A DREAM. I ORDERED ANOTHER DAIQUIRI AND WOUND UP COVERED IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOOD AT SOME INDETERMINATE POINT IN THE NEAR fUTURE.
BEGINNINGS
ONLY STORIES PERTAINING TO TOM SELLECK AS MAGNUM PI OR QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER ACCEPTED.
MAYBE AS MR. BASEBALL IF NAUGHTY ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
MAYBE AS MR. BASEBALL IF NAUGHTY ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
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