In search of a copy of Anus Magillicuty

To whomever may be reading this:

I am in desperate need of help. Last night I came close to having one of the best experiences of my life. What seemed like a run of the mill evening at a semi-local dive bar, turned into the sort of adventure a chikadee like myself seldom has. After saddling up to the bar, I heard a deep male voice asking me if I'd be interested in a Hawaiian mudslide, on him of course. I turned around expecting to have to reject another sleazy come on from some barfly loser, but was shocked when I saw that it was none other than Tom Selleck! I have been fantasizing about this man since I was home sick with the chicken pox at age seven, and watched countless Magnum PI reruns. Obviously, Tom had aged a bit since those days, but he was still the magnificent stud with a mustache that glistened like Danny Zucco's hair.

After I regained my composure, the Magnum and I launched into an extensive conversation that resulted in me transforming into a different and better person. Crevices of my mind that I didn't know existed were blown wide opened that night. He was like a carpet weaver, creating the tapestry of my deepest imaginings. Forever changed, I initiated a passionate kiss. His mustache tasted like Tapatio.

Naturally, the only logical decision at that point was to spend the night together. He insisted we go to my place in order to avoid paparazzi. Normally I would be ashamed about my humble surroundings, but with Tom I felt an infinite sense of trust and security. Before diving into acts of vigorous passion, we sat down on my futon to continue our deep and meaningful conversation. Things were going splendidly. He said to me "Dakota, I feel like you and I can tell eachother anything. You are a very special woman."

"And you are a very special man," I said. "This night has been an absolute dream."

And then he leaned in very close, to emphasize the importance of what he was about to say. He stroked my prosthetic leg, and his face softened.

"Dakota, I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to give me an honest response. Have you ever seen the film I was in called Anus Magillicutty?"

I was nervous, but I felt no sense of doom or danger.

"No," I whispered with passion. "No I have not."

Suddenly his face hardened and his manhood softened. His eyes looked as though they had been wounded.

"Well, I suggest you see it," he said. The words clumsily fell out of his mouth.

"Goodbye Dakota. Maybe one day things will change."

Before I could even protest, he was out the door. I was paralyzed by grief. After I was at last able to peel my eyes off the door, I spent the night consoling myself by masturbating to episodes of S Club 7.

When the sun came up, I became a woman with a mission. It is crucial for me to find a copy of Anus Magillicutty. It is the only way I can make the Magnum see that my love is real. If anyone out there has one to spare, I will give you my prosthetic leg.

Please

This is urgent

Love,
Dakota Moss